Effects of Stress and Car Update
Stress
Stress really does make you do wild things. I'm not one to leave things in my clothes when I do the laundry but somehow I managed to wash two valuable things. My bullet Space Pen and a brand new camera battery. I'm more upset at the latter because it was a gift and now it'll never get to be used. The space pen is more dented at the ends and has some of the brass showing (it kinda looks pretty cool at least).
All of this because of dealing with my mom and the car which will soon be in my name. I guess I should just be grateful that she's paying for the maintenance and the new tires that they're currently putting on. I still wish there didn't have to be any of the yelling and fear that got us to this point, but I suppose that's better than not being able to afford the car at all while I look for a job. And I am grateful to have the support that I have essentially being a failure and a dropout. I know that's not something everyone has.
This whole thing has made me wonder what would happen if I never went to college in the first place. My mom has constantly gaslit into telling me she didn't threaten to cut me off entirely if I didn't go to college right after high school. She still maintains that she just said I had to get a job, but she really said I could go live on my own. I didn't have a choice... and the Pandemic hit and the cracks caused by not having the drive for higher education that she expected met their breaking point; ever since it's been a struggle to hold the pieces as I continued my education.
I don't really see it as a waste of time as my mom does, but rather a time where I got to explore what I wanted to do with my life (or rather what I hate). It would have been nice to have some extra work experience and money saved at this point, but I do have extra experiences because of how things turned out. I got to interact with people outside of my small town for the first time in a while and I took classes that taught me things that have contributed to my entrepreneurial efforts.
And I feel like I would have never been able to get a job immediately after high school in the first place. It would have been such a sad life during a time where my mental health and self-confidence were already fragile at best. Living in the middle of nowhere takes a toll on your sense of self and the world around you. The isolating emptiness tears away at your soul until you cannot even conceive of a better life. I wish I had realized just how much damage this was doing earlier. But I was always just "lazy." I was never afforded the luxury of having my opinions heard, of having any real say over my life. "But I bought you a car at 18 and spent so much money on you," my mom will say in between trying somewhat to be supportive. But why would I ever want to be maliciously lazy? Why can't she ever acknowledge that maybe she made the wrong decision when picking somewhere to move, maybe she worked too much, maybe she could have given me a better life with less money and more community.
I've tried to ask for a moment to breathe, but that wasn't productive enough. I've supposedly had years to do this, but that's only time passed. I haven't been given the tools I needed to be happy and thrive. I've been sporadically gasping for air on the surface before plunging back into the water holding my breath for the past 4 years since high school. And I can't fully express that to my mom because it doesn't matter since it puts her feelings at jeopardy. All I can do now is try to pick up what I have and try to build something meaningful out of it.
This wasn't supposed to be a rant but my car still isn't ready yet so it kinda just came out like that. I hope you know how valuable and special you are even if the whole world tries to make you feel like you aren't. Your productivity does not define your worth! Have a lovely rest of your day.