I'm finally doing it
I'm doing SOMETHING
I feel like I've been going insane. So many things have been changing in my life recently and it's gotten really overwhelming; so this is just a dump of all the things that I've been feeling. I hope you enjoy.
I've been wanting to make a blog for a while now and that's because I (like many here) have grown weary of the constant drain that technology and the larger web has become on my life. I am fed up with capitalism, consumerism, work ideology, and the constant need to grow — so much that it is literally eating me alive and I've been paralyzed, anxious, and overall unable to functionally exist... to be happy.
It doesn't help that I am already so susceptible to anxiety that crushes me nearly every second of every day. Writing these feelings down is part of a larger commitment that I am making to myself, to the people around me. To reject the world views of those who make decisions about our lives that enslave us, make us question our collective worths; a big fuck you to the corporations that ruin our sense of community, plague our environments and use us up as expendable resources. We are but pawns in their hands.
We work and we die, but what is it all for? It's been drilled into me both explicitly and implicitly that sacrifice is an inherent virtue; that work may not bring happiness, but the sacrifice of happiness is something we must relinquish as a necessity of being alive in a capitalist society. I am not put on this Earth for anyone else. I refuse to be used as such, but to explore my own happiness. But that doesn't pay bills, and living in the US means that those bills are never-ending. We have no right to simply exist. No rights to housing, healthcare, etc. We must work to survive. And not only that, the poorest people are in a continuous battle with capital owners who subjugate them by withholding their rights. The expenses of being poor cause people to commit their entire waking lives to work. Multiple jobs, side hustles and the gig economy... these are not virtuous, they are evil. Because they are a manifestation of labor alienation. These people exist in a sense (through no fault of their own) to feed the gaping maws of endless consumption and consumption.
For me, it's been really difficult finding a job without a completed college degree (or even hypothetically having one) that leaves me feeling fulfilled. The USPS offered me a job and I'm worried that I will have to sacrifice my free time for the sake of the mail. I don't particularly mind working for the post office — I get to walk around and explore the city — but I don't know if that will be a sustainable career path for me. I am simultaneously torn between the need to do good work but also do work that leverages my skillset and pays me accordingly. But I don't even want to work for anyone else, and I know that I don't necessarily need to. I am also looking at a job remotely at Harvard but I am worried about my lack of experience yet again. My partner was the one who referred me so I am hopeful that there is a chance. Bills are getting a little tight and I am a very lustful individual for an anticapitalist.
What really convinced me to sit down and write this was the burnout from anticipation of actually making money and buying things. Things I don't need but I can't resist the temptation of having. There are some things that I want that I do think will improve my life. I want an armchair to sit and read at, but there's nothing stopping me from just sitting at my desk and reading. I already have a nice Steelcase office chair. I guess I'm just hoping that money will fix the problems I've been having. But in reality I've just been neglecting my surroundings and making myself more anxious. I already have so much already, so many tools, opportunities to create things that I do not need any more. And creation is truly what makes my brain feel good, and it is something that I feel is antithetical to working for someone else. It is kinda sad that I've merely been consuming (really way too much distressing YouTube) instead of creating. The last time I created art was a Copic drawing of an orange Western Electric 500 that I made for my partner because I love him and I know it would make him happy. It brought me so much joy to create that, but something I think about is the last time that I created something for myself, without the need for anyone else's approval. I think the desire to create for myself has been slowly beaten out of me. Art, Music (I played the violin and piano) were never careers so they were never societally valuable. I had to focus on "productive" things. I hate that word.
This has been getting really long, but I guess it doesn't really matter since it is mostly just for me to come to grips with the complex emotions I've been facing. If you've read this far, I hope you don't feel down from from it. Really I wanted to take back control of my life and I know it's possible for me and for you if you feel the same way.
P.S. I wonder if this whole blog thing is something I'm going to stick with or if it's one of the many hyper-fixations that have come and go throughout the years. I really want it to stay because it's therapeutic and helps me feel more connected to actual human beings on the internet. Maybe part of my problem is I need to get outside more. Connect with real life again. I can't express just how happy fresh air and some human interaction means. I especially love to ride my bike and hike.